Do you remember that awesome scene in Mel Brook’s ground-breaking film, History of the World Part One, where Empress Nympho (played by the late, great Madeline Kahn) is picking her escorts for the evening (for the midnight orgy, as a matter of fact)? Each soldier marches into the palace and stands in a straight line in front of her, as she prepares to choose her men. Suddenly, the camera pans down and we see that the men aren’t wearing any pants. The Empress turns to her assistant and says, “Very nice selection.” She then proceeds to point at each man and chooses which companions will accompany her at the orgy: Yes, No, No, No, No, Yes, No, No, etc. For shits and giggles or if you were born after 1975, you must watch this classic scene.

My point? I find a direct correlation between Empress Nympho’s orgy selection and the popular online dating app, Tinder. I mean, you’re basically doing the same thing. You look at a bunch of photos of people and decide, based upon appearance, whether you’d like to hook up with them or not. You’re not choosing based upon penis size, per se, but you might as well be. And just like whatsapp, Tinder gives you that instant dopamine hit—you swipe, you get a reaction, and suddenly you’re hooked. I find Tinder to be highly addictive. You can be anywhere - on the train, waiting at a red light, sitting in your office, sitting on the toilet – and try to find your Tinder matches. I’ve even had moments where I was chatting on whatsapp with a friend while swiping through profiles at the same time. Multitasking at its finest.

Have you noticed that when you sign on and you click the “check” mark on the first or second of your new matches, they tend to be a match. It’s a neat little trick I’ve learned with Tinder, so it’s a chance to get instant gratification. Almost like when that one person you secretly like finally messages you back on whatsapp—oooh he likes me! Have you met any of your orgy…..ahem, I mean….Tinder matches? I haven’t. The first match I communicated with asked if I wanted to see his thick hard….you get the message. I quickly blocked him. The next guy was adorable. And was from DC. Next. I joked with my girlfriends on whatsapp that Tinder needs a giant red “block and burn” button.

The latest guy sent me a link to his Facebook profile. He did not go to college and he mentions that he has a webcam & camera. Um, hello, you’ve just won the 2002 Creep of the Year trophy. I literally screenshot his message and dropped it into our whatsapp chat for entertainment purposes only. But I can’t stop. I keep looking and looking. I’ve even matched up with two of my guy friends! I know it won’t go anywhere but I just want to keep clicking and looking and hoping he’ll pick me too. It’s highly addictive. Honestly, half the fun now is telling the crazy stories on whatsapp afterwards. So, while I won’t be heading off for my orgy of soldiers tonight like the Empress Nympho, I am still going to cuddle up with my iPhone and Tinder app. And yes, I’ll probably be laughing with my girlfriends on whatsapp while doing it. Nighty, night boys!